Leokid’s Life

[mohd syamirulah rahim]

Yeap~!! That’s my name. Dun know where it comes from, but certainly a good, beautiful name chosen by my parents~!! Thanx~!! Meaning? eM…dun really get it’s direct translation, but from my point of view,

mohd - name of prophet

syamirulah –> syam-amir-allah –> the sun, the leader, chosen by Allah.

rahim - my father’s name, meaning ‘penyayang’. Yes, he is.

[11th august 1988]

My birth date. Was born in a village, called Kg Nawa, Pokok Sena. My mum said, actually she was hoping that i was born on 8th August 1988 so that the number is much more ‘beautiful’. 8/8/1988. Yeap, it’s beautiful. But i was so stubborn so that i only be born three days later. hehe. i believe that’s true, i am a stubborn kid. Huhaha.

[medical student]

huhu…currently rolling into the medical preparation course in UiTM, and will be proceeding to Nizhniy Novgorod State Medical Univ. Actually, my ambition was to be a petroengineer~!! In fact, my career coursework also based on Petro Chemical Engineering. Well, guess that Allah knows which are better for me..

[third son of 4]

I have 2 older bros and a younger sis. my first brother works as a journalist (though a software engineering majoring in artificial intelligence graduate~!!), and my 2nd bro working as a doctor (punya technician) kat hospital pulau pinang. my sis still a primary school student..

[intec uitm shah alam]

yeap~!! my university~!! love my core person, dr.yamin, my ex core person a.k.a. my mother russia madam penelope jayaram, my lecturer a.k.a brother bro izzuan izzaidi, my lecturers, my ustazah, my abg kafe, my pakcik library, my pakguard and makguard, my bus driver~!! hehe.

[pengkalan hulu perak]

currently living in perak. a nice hometown, no traffic jam, no pollution (but no victoria station, no pizza hut, no mcdee..huhu). Onestly i dun have friends there, but it’s okay for me. The best place to lepak : taman tasik kroh. Nice spot. Next to a golf field, ada restoran terapung.. Sometimes i went there, just for relaxation, shouting like hell to express my feeling~!! (love doin that, only here i am able to do it!). I guess that one day, i’ll propose marriage to the girl whom i love here, by the lake.

[black and blue navy]

my fav colour. Black is the best~!! Actually the most suitable one is Dark. why? black/dark can cover up almost everything! agony, sadness, anger, happy, cheerful, — all can be easily swallowed by blackness and darkness~!! (not a black-metaler, okay?). It’s like the King of All Colour. Blue navy? em..dunno, just love the colour. Not he cyan blue or turqoise, but navy blue. Dkt2 ngan black gak kan? Hehe. But dunno why recently i show interest in everythin red in colour. Red? Even my desktop theme also red in colour. perhaps because slalu marah2 je akhir2 ni kot?

[170 cm]

My height. Shows a lot of improvement these years recently. Hehe.

[60 kg]

My weight. Em..actually satisfied with it. My mom always say that i’m losing my weight?? really? i dun know. i eat as usual..(even sumtimes a lot, due to depression~!!). So u guys can kira la my BMI, to know either it’s okay or not. hehe.

[simple and sleek]

i love simplicity. sleekness. i love plain colour. dun like those corak2, bunga2 and so on (except geometrically abstractive design) i prefer design and function. take a look at my notebook~!! white in colour, simple, only 4 ports, one power jack-in, dvd, slots and so on. still retain it’s functionality although with simple design~!!

[single and available]

Gotta make it clearly. [ Single, straight, available, limited ]. Hehe. no comment on it. *status changes over time, but dont worry, it usually akan revert balik jadi yang default cam kat atas.

[chatting n messaging]

i love chatting in Yahoo Messenger. wif my frens (though x byk..), searching a new keyboard-pal..and so on. other IM client also yes, but i dun really get online often. Here is it my nicknames:

Yahoo Messenger : Leokid5075
MSN Live Messenger : Leokid5075

I do get online on mIRC, but only for downloading songs~!!

[comics and anime]

i love reading comics~!! the best one currently reading, Team Medical Dragon. Others, Naruto~!!, Eye Shield 21, Death Notes, Yakitake Japan, Midori No Hibi, Bleach, and lots more~!! Used to love - pokemon. Hehe. When i was a young kid (now big ‘kid’ =P). I miss those days battling to level up Ash in Pokemon Yellow..hak2.

[good charlotte and green day]

Loves them like hell~!! Good Charlotte — We Believe, Hold On. Green Day — Wake Me Up When Sept Ends, Macy’s Day Parade. Also, in love like hell with Avril Lavigne (Slipped Away, Nobody’s Fool), and My Chemical Romance ( I’m not okay –most favourite, Ghost of You). I love shouting out~!!!!

[operator the line is dead]

Best malaysian songs. Operator - The Line is Dead. The lyrics has a lot of sentimental value to me. Enough, dun like talking about it.

[perfect situation]

Also favourite song.

[i'm not okay]

The most related song with me. Enough, dun want talking about it.

[ice skating, skiing]

I love ice skating. It’s really fun~!! Can’t wait to go skating in Russia~!! So does Skiing, though i havent got any exp on it!! One more that quite interesting - snowboarding. Hehe. I love snow~!!

[chess and mtg]

I quite good in chess. Ave been inter-district chess player for 3 years consequently. Intec Open team ranking early 2006 - 2nd. I love strategic play. So does with MTG (Magic The Gathering). Proud with my deck, Zombies Incarnation. Black player~!! I love irritating my opponent~!! Huahaha. Its okay for losing, as long as i can see the pressure and anger in their face~!! (Loves Grothesque Hybrid..hehe)

[megaman battle network 5]

Used to play this, and dah sampai level boss pun. The i stopped just like that and turn to other games. Dun no why. Bile sampai stage boss je, automatically i’ll stop playing that game. Bukan sbb slalu kalah ke ape, but i dun noe why. hak2. game diablo II pun camtu. dah sampai final chapter dah…terus malas nak men. hehe.

[anything edible]

i eat almost everything halal. especially my mother’s cookin. here in kl, i got the chance to taste everything i like~! the claypot, japanese cuisine (i love teppanyaki, miso, dorayaki.. HATE Sushi~!!). yesterday kuar ngan famie gi times sq, have some taste of russian delight there. the gulyash, borsh, ris. Not bad actually~!! I dun have any food allergic. that’s why i eat almost everything~!! My mom said that there was a time when i was still a little kid, i accidentally ate a  ulat gonggok~!! Yurks~!! I guess that’s why now i have guts to eat everything~!!

[bored life]

i have the same routine of life. my free time activity - playing with my laptop. that’s all. in fact, i may hve only a laptop, and sufficient food n drinks to lead my life~!!

[sick of love]

yeah…i have lots of exp in this. lots of it till i get to concluded that - girls are all the same. typical. hak2.

[tired of loneliness]

also yes. i search for my soulmate all the time. once i found somebody, i thought my loneliness is over, yet it doesnt. i was dumped, and then, still searching again. being dumped is not so bad to me, as i easily going, continue my life - due to loneliness. yet the pain of being dumped, only Allah knows it. I prefer to die.

[too much depressed]

Due to the pain of being dumped. i take everything regarding to my personal, seriously. why? is it my fault? bla3.. and also, depression results in my migrain too. i frequently have migrain attack these days.. that’s why i prefer dying.

[self contempted]

i dun need frenz to lead my life. because i am self contempted. i cant deny that hving a life with lots of friends is much more happier, but i also cant deny that i hate some of my frenz. hak2. esp yang x nampak apa kebaikan yang boleh aku dpt dari dia. yang hidup takdak tujuan. buat lawak bodoh sepanjang masa. mencarut selalu. yang x abih2 kondem org lain. yes, these all are the quality of my frenz..but well, shto ya magu skazat? (what can i say?) they are all my friends, after all.

[pacifism]

i am a pacifist. Pacifism - cintakn keamanan. I hate confronting with other people. i dont take revenge directly, but i do take revenge. nak tahu apa aku buat bila ade org cari psal dgn aku?

"Ya Allah, kau laknatkanlah sipolan2 itu dengan laknatMu. sebagaimana laknatMu ke atas orang2 yang menafikan nikmatMu. Sebagaimana laknatMu ke atas org2 yang menafikan rahmatMu ke atas orang lain. Sebagaimana mereka yang menafikan rasul2Mu. Sebagaimana mereka yang mengundang kemurkaanMu. Sesungguhnya engkau mengetahui akan kedudukanku. Maka turunkanlah cahaya hidayahMu kepaa mereka dgn cara sebagaimana yang mereka lakukan ke atas ku. Dengn sepenuh kehinaan sbagaimana mereka menghina aku. Sesungguhnya hidayah itu milikMu."

That’s all. As simple as that. I let Allah to take care of if for me. *Before anyone here get’s piss of because i use the word "laknat", please research the true meaning of the word at first.

[music obsessed]

i simply love music. All types of music. (Even black metal, as long lyric dia tak membawa ke arah kesesatan).

[myself]

i am myself. i am satisfied with myself. i dun have to change myself according to what people want. kalau org tak suka aku, just get away from me, ok? aku pun kalau tak suka dgn seseorg tu, aku tak ngumpat dia. aku tak sound dia. i just get away, far from him/her. my social life prinsip : Aku tak cari pasal ngan orang lain, so aku expect orang lain jangan cari pasal dengan aku! Tapi kalau dah org tu cari pasal dgn aku, tu yang tersembur doa2 laknat dari mulut aku.

[rebelliance]

i am a rebelliance, yet independent. i dont need other people to make decision for me. opinion is okay. i dont need to follow others. i am the leader of myself. i am not a slave to anyone, except to Allah. You know what, the more i’ve been under pressure, lagi aku dipaksa, lagi aku disuruh, lagi aku tak nak buat. Hanya Allah sahaja boleh mengarah aku! That’s why sometimes i even hate myself, especially bila dalam keadaan terpaksa. sebab aku lakukan menda tu atas sebab manusia lain, di luar kemahuan aku, di luar kewajipan aku terhadap Allah.

That’s all about me. So…faham2 kan lah diri aku neyh org yg cmne..

Audentes fortuna iuvat. Fortune favours the brave

"You may stop this individual, but you can’t stop all people like me…after all, we’re all alike"

Forget . Forgotten . to Forget . Overlook . Disregard .

for·get  (fr-gt, fôr-)
v. for·got, (-gt) for·got·ten, (-gtn) or for·got for·get·ting, for·gets
v. tr.

1. To be unable to remember (something).
2. To treat with thoughtless inattention; neglect: forget one’s family.
3. To leave behind unintentionally.
4. To fail to mention.
5. 1. To banish from one’s thoughts: forget a disgrace.
   2. Informal. To disregard on purpose. Usually used in the imperative: Oh, forget it. I refuse to go!

Hoho..my friends~!! tHis pOStS tHemE iS ‘fOrgEt’. I’m sure all of us have come across this moment in life when we forget bout something. Its quite embarassing to forget one’s birthday, but it’s quite suprising when you forget your own birthday~!! It’s, however, irritating, when somebody forget to flush the toilet. And sometimes ‘forget’ can be the reasons (or excuses?).

In higher value of meaning, ‘forget’ is also an escapism~! Yeah, to forget old memories. To forget something traumatic. To forget somebody who is annoying. ‘To Forget’, or ‘To Be Forgotten’ is actualy not really bad at all, as it does have some benefit, and some hikmah will surely appear after any incidents occur regarding to forgetness..

And there goes the saying.. "To Forgive and Forget". This saying, with further discussion, is related with "let bygones be bygones". What’s done is done; don’t worry about the past, especially past errors or grievances. To forget one’s mistake is better than to forgive. Agree with me?

Bygone \By"gone`\, n. Something gone by or past; a past event. “Let old bygones be” –Tennyson.

So what’s the point here~!! I mumbling alone about this forget stuff, does it have any relevance nor correlation with my own happy yet sadistic life? Well, actually not really. For the time being, please, i really need all of people around me to forget me for a while~!! (huh?~!) Huhaha. It’s not really like what is going around in your head ryt now, just that let me go by peace, okay? I know that it’s really hard to let go of me, esp my family, of course. But i really need it~!! I really, desperately, in such condition, to go to Russia~!! Not really solely to study, but to start a new life~!!

They said that we must align our intention (niat, nawaitu) before we get there, so that our business is eased by Allah. Here is my niat to Russia:

1. To get a medical degree, making my whooole family proud of myself~!! Quoting my pakcik’s, " Dalam keluarga kita semua dah ada. Hang bukannya orang first nak pi oversea. Engineer dah ada. Arkitek dah ada. Akauntan dah ada. Tinggal doktor ja takdak orang berani pi lagi. Hang la harapan keluarga kita, doktor pertama dalam keluarga" (It’s my pleasure, my honor)

2. To prove to myself, and everybody else who make a pressumption before this that i cannot get to where i want, just to prove that you’re wrong, guys~!! Hey, here i am, the boy which you laugh at first, the u guy which you turned over because of thinking that this boy will not make it to be a ’somebody’ worth loving one day~!! Sorry to say but i believe 6 years later this ordinary boy will turn to somebody you all worth dying for..

3. Nawaitu number 3.. hmm.. just to forget and forgive. Yeah, this my intention going to russia is actually not really important. Hey~@!! it’s really important~!! I want to start a new life, with guided and guarded iman, for being a good muslim. To forget each and every single problem here, and to face a new problem with a new courage and bravery. All i can say is when i come back 6 years later, i aint gonna be the same Mohd Syamirulah Rahim as all of you have known for the time being.

Other nawaitu~? Em…takdak dah kot…semua habih dah. Hak2. Well, there a a few other intentions which i think not really important for now.. Just enough with those three. i hope that these intentions is sanctity enuf, and may God ease my journey in my life..

Forget it~!!

Kenapa Aku Diuji ?

"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan; "Kami telah beriman," sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji org2 yg sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui org2 yg benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui org2 yg dusta." -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3

Kenapa Aku Tak Dapat Apa Yg Aku Idam-Idamkan ?

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216

Kenapa Ujian Seberat Ini ?

"Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya." -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286

Rasa Frust ?

"Jgnlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan jgnlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah org2 yg paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu org2 yg beriman." - Surah Al-Imran ayat 139

Bagaimana Harus Aku Menghadapinya ?

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi segala kesukaran dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yang berkebajikan), dan kuatkanlah kesabaran kamu lebih daripada kesabaran musuh, di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan kekuatan pertahanan di daerah- daerah sempadan) serta bertaqwalah kamu kepada Allah supaya, kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan)." -Surah Al-Imran ayat 200

"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada orang-orang yang khusyuk" -Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45

Apa Yang Aku Dapat Drpd Semua Ini ?

"Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dr org2 mu’min, diri, harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga utk mereka… .. -Surah At-Taubah ayat 111

Kepada Siapa Aku Berharap ?

"Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain drNya. Hanya kepadaNya aku bertawakkal." -Surah At-Taubah ayat 129

Aku Tak Tahan !

"… ..dan jgnlah kamu berputus asa dr rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dr rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yg kafir." -Surah Yusuf ayat 87

Ya Allah, kurniakanlah aku kesabaran, ketenangan, luputkanlah dia dalam ingatanku, tunjukilah aku jalan ke arah-Mu, ke arah keredhaan-Mu, ku berserah padamu ya Allah, sesungguhnya ku hilang kepercayaan ke atas kaum itu melainkan kepercayaanku hanyalah kepada-Mu ya Allah..

1. Jika kamu memancing ikan….setelah ikan itu terlekat di mata
kail, hendaklah kamu mengambil terus ikan itu….janganlah sesekali
kamu lepaskan ia semula ke dalam air begitu sahaja…. kerana ia akan sakit oleh kerana bisanya ketajaman mata kail mu dan mungkin akan menderita selagi ia masih hidup.

Begitulah juga setelah kamu memberi banyak pengharapan kepada seseorang…setelah ia mula menyayangimu hendaklah kamu menjaga hatinya….janganlah sesekali kamu terus meninggalkannya begitu sahaja….kerana dia akan terluka oleh kenangan bersamamu dan mungkin tidak dapat melupakan segalanya selagi dia mengingatimu….

2. Jika kamu menadah air biarlah berpada, jangan terlalu mengharap pada takungannya dan janganlah menganggap ia begitu teguh….cukuplah sekadar keperluanmu…. Apabila sekali ia retak…. tentu sukar untuk kamu menampalnya semula… .akhirnya ia dibuang! sedangkan jika kamu cuba membaikinya mungkin ia masih boleh digunakan lagi….

Begitu juga jika kamu memiliki seseorang terima lah seadanya….
Janganlah kamu terlalu mengaguminya dan janganlah kamu menganggapnya begitu istimewa….anggaplah dia manusia biasa.Apabila sekali dia melakukan kesilapan bukan mudah bagi kamu untuk menerimanya…. akhirya kamu tinggalkan dia sedangkan jika kamu memaafkannya boleh jadi hubungan kamu akan bertambah baik….

Syurga rumahtangga itu fitrah hati
Naluri semulajadi yang pinta diisi
Kerananya jejaka rela menjadi suami
Kerananya perawan rela menjadi isteri
Masing-masing dengan harapan
Agar rumahtangga membawa kebahagiaan
Matlamat yang satu tapi jalannya berliku
Destinasinya sama tapi kaedahnya berbeza
Lalu bermacamlah jalan ke sana
Ada yang mengatakan
Bahagia itu pada harta
Diukir dari intan permata
( Gah , suamiku seorang jutawan)
tidak kurang merasakan
bahagia itu pada rupa..
Ditempa oleh wajah rupawan
( Wah, isteriku seorang celeberity)
ramai juga yang merasakan
bahagia itu pada kuasa
dituai oleh pangkat dan jawatan
( Wah, suamiku seorang negarawan)
pelbagai jalan menimbulkan dilema
mencari yang benar mempelai tersasar
kalaulah bahagia itu pada harta
kalaulah bahagia itu pada nama
kalaulah bahagia itu pada rupa
kalaulah bahagia itu pada kuasa
kenapa Charles dan Diana berpisah
kenapa Elvis dan Priscilla berpecah
kenapa Onassis dan Jackie bertelagah.
Bahagia itu dari dalam hati
Kesannya zahir rupanya maknawi
Terpendam bagai permata dalam hati
Terbenam bagai mutiara disalut nurani
Bahagia itu pada HATI
Bertakhta di kerajaan diri
Bahagia itu pada JIWA
Mahkota di singgahsana rasa
Bahagia itu KESABARAN
Bila susah tak gelisah
Bila miskin tak pemarah
Bila gagal tidak resah
Hakikatnya bahagia itu ketenangan
Bila hati mengingati tuhan
Firman Allah:
Ketahuilah dgn mengingati Allah itu memberi
ketenangan pada hati
suami isteri sama-sama mengerti
maksud tersemi takdir ilahi
itulah zikir yg hakiki.
Binalah rumahtangga atas tapak iman
Tuluskan niat luruskan matlamat
’suamiku, kaulah pemimpin menuju ilahi’
‘isteriku, kaulah permaisuri hati…..’
penyeri Islamku nanti
muktamadlah akad sahlah nikah
dengan nama Allah
gerbang perkahwinanpun terserlah
Di atas tapak iman dirikanlah hukum tuhan
Iman itu tujuan
Syariat itu jalan
Tempat merujuk segala permasalahan
Tempat mencari semua penyelesaian
- isteriku, taatilah hukum Allah….
- suamiku, patuhilah sunnah Rasululah s.a.w
Binalah hidup di neraca maaruf
Rumah jadi sambungan madrasah…
Seninya kerana solat…
Indahnya oleh munajat
Tapaknya ….iman
Jalannya ….syariat
Natijahnya…..akhlak
Tiga penjamin segala
kunci kebahagian rumahtangga
dan terciptalah:
’setia dan penyayang suami’
‘cinta dan kasih isteri’
lalu berbuahlah
mahmudah demi mahmudah
yang melahirkan…..
"Soleh dan solehah".

Huwargh~!!

Its been 2 days i’m not feeling well.. Actually, its been a week. Got my first migrain attack last week, after comin back from BTN…huhu… But not really serious, as it is an acute-type attack. There it comes, and soon (a day or two) there it goes…

It is not migrain actually. Because i’m not having the main symptom of migrain, which is sensitive of light (silau). Whenever the attack began, i’m not having any trouble regarding my eyesightness, its just the pain in certain part of my brain. The pain is soooo…terrible making me feel like wanna smash my head to the damn wall, bursting each and single vein of my  brain!!

Another day gone, and so was the pain. Huhu. Except for the yesterday, my early symptomp, early sign of i’m not okay, the sore throat. I’ve kinda unique defensive body system..huhaha. Each time i was about to have some kind of disease, such as flu, fever or headache, a day or before i’ll be having sore throat.  Like yesterday. I have some kind of painful sore throat, and late of the day, i start consuming lots of tablets!! huhaha. The rayer aspirin, the panadol activfast, and so on… I dun know why i did this, but the only thing that concerns me at that time is that I dun want to miss any class!! Any class of madam penny, nor abg izzuan, nor natalia.

Yet, i waking up early in the morning with a running-nose, headache, coldness, and some sort of stomachache (which i think gastrointestinal disorder)…

I execute my routine -unhealthy- life : waking up 10 a.m. in the morning (missed my subuh, luckily i’ve qada it back!), scared to the feet to take bath, just a simple sprinkling of water, and back to the couch again. Turn on the laptop, play window media player, then take a good nap on the couch.. Later in the afternoon, went to the doc, prescribed some meds, bought Kreko(s) and continue life…huhu..

Some of my friends asked : why are you sick so often? Why are you so weak? And i couldnt say a word but smile towards them, quoting " Ntahla…antibodi kureng skit taun ni..hak2" with funny tone..

I decided not to get angry right now. Lots of things kept bursting my anger recently. Lots of people keep messing wif my business, kept getting me angry. And i decided not to get angry.

Why?  I met somebody last week. A girl actually. No nothing happened between me and her, just that she is unique (from my point of view). She have a lot of problems, regarding her family, her relationship (see..she already in a relationship!), her study, her friends, etakdal-etakdal. Yet she kept her happy-go-lucky attitude! I was so impressed by the way she took her probs. Yeah, she did tell me some of her problem, and it seems that she prefer run away rather than solving it. She taught me one phrase : Hakuna Matata.

It means no worries, for the rest of you days..

It’s a problem-free philosophy!

Thanx chidori-chan!

Back to the point. Angry. Yep. I’m easily furious rite now. Esp to this girl, whom i consider as my friends. No! Stop talking bout her!!

She.agkandd

I dontsadgasfs

Argh~!!

I dun know what i’ve done, what to do, nor what should i do!

I miss my friends, back in mrsm pdrm… They cared towards me, they wont let me in deep agony, they would lend their hand, pull me back to my life..

And most of all, they appreciate me..

God! I really need to go to Russia as soon as possible~!! To start a new life~!! To forget each and single problems, troubles, messes here in Malaysia! To forget them! Them? Yes them!! Especially her! (Oh..God, please dont put us together in the same univ, i really hate confronting with somebody who doesnt care for me, for my feelings, who doesnt appreciate me at ALL, who dont ever want to be my friend (even friend?), who have hurted me, who left me, who..)

(yet…whom i loved..)

Well if you wanted honesty
Thats all you had to say

I’d never want to let you down
Or have you go
Its better off this way

For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot,
From jumping out the second floor?

Im not okay
Im not okay
Im not okay
You wear me out

What will it take
To show you that
It’s not the life it seems(Im not okay)

I told you time and time again
You sing the words(Im not okay)
But still you dont know what it means

To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook
For the last time
Take a good hard look!

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book
But the pages all are torn and frayed now

Im okay (?)
Im okay!

Im okay now(Im okay now)
But you really didnt listen to me
Because Im telling you the truth
I mean this ever so much that I am

TRUST ME!

I’m not okay!
I’m not okay!
Well I’m not okay
I’m not o-f***ing-kay
Im not okay
Im not okay (okay)

ades…sakitnye kepala..

since minggu lepas lagi….

semalam gi jalan2 kat s.pyramid, ok dah skit.

pas balik, tido, bgn pg td je skt balik..

aduhh.

migrain…

ya Allah..

2 months : 8 weeks : 56 days : 1344 Hours and counting down.

Huwarghh~!! Another <2months!!! Oh I just cant wait till the moment, till the time!! [this is quite an emotional post, so, as usual, i just mix it with bm too okeh? hihi]

YUp, the TIME!! X sabar untuk aku meninggalkan negara ni. My beloved nation, Malaysia! I do love malaysia, a lot, meaning that i could never ever forget it, but its just all the painful memories i have ever had here that i really want to let go! (I wonder why most of my painful memories related to girls??) Huhaha. Sorry my friends if i ‘accidentally’ forgotten you all when i am there. Dun worry, i will remember all of you again six years later. hehe.

the memories. lots of them. painful. huhu

8 weeks~!!!! tak sabarnye!!!

Squad!! Attention~!!!

Huahaha. I’m currently really tired, damn exhausted. Just got back here (cemara) from Kem Bina Negara Tanjung Rhu, Sepang. These 5-days-like hell-camp is finally over!! Woww~~!!! Haha. Let me tell how did i get going for the past five days.

My first impression of the camp. its quite nice, actually. Located far away from the city, close(very close) to the beach. Yeah, its nice! As we arrived there, as my mind going to think that this is going to be a happy experience, first thing we have to face there was that we were scolded by the trainers! "Beg tu jangan letak kat situ, mengganggu orang nak jalan! Tak sabar-sabar!! Macam ni nak pegi luar negara!!" Yet my heart were engulfed with flames, with a tonne of ‘bengkek’ towards the trainer, whom i later knew as Pak Ajis.

Later on, the group arrangement. Me, got into the 7th Group out of 13, was a bad omen i believe. Being the only Russian Boy, i felt like discriminated. My so called beloved group consisted of me myself, fein and saadah (2 russian girls), 3 a -couple years older than me-boys from KTT (Kolej Teknologi Timur), 5 kind-hearted KTT girls, and also 2 stylish-lazy girls also from KTT. Argh, being the only, youngest man in the group, i am left with lots burden of responsibilities such as cuci the tray, basuh the cawan, tuang the air, ambik the ais, lap the meja, kutip the handset, etakdal-etakdal (and so on). Also being the nice primary target of the trainers during the kawad (as i’m the squad leader, standing in front of my group), again, my heart trembled with glorious, flame, made me swearing a lot in my mind!!

However, as i thought that i’m gonna hate this experience for my whole life, i realized something. Where in the world my so-long-called friends? For the past 5 days in the camp, people who were used to be by my side, who called as ‘friends’, suddenly disappear. I were left alone. With no one to help me. Or to comfort me. Or even to talk with me. When i carried alone the dishes to be cleaned, there were voices around me. "Rajin kid. Kat bilik tak penah lak rajin camni." When i walked alone towards the surau, giggles with laugther burst through the air. " Fuiyoo…kid gi surau ah!! Tak penah2nye.!" "Wei, dunia nak kiamat ke? Kid org first sampai surau!!"

Camni ke melayu? Melayu bangsa pengkhianat. Betul, kak zal. Melayu memang pengkhianat. Sejak zaman kesultanan melaka. Sejak tun mutahir dibunuh akibat fitnah koja hassan. Dah dekat setengah abad malaya merdeka, perangai macam ni masih tepu dalam hati kita. Dalam hati remaja. Dalam hati melayu. Tak pernah bersifat supportive. Hanya tahu melemahkan orang. SNIOP. Self Negative Influence Other People. Tak boleh menerima perubahan. Especially perubahan positif. Kalau ye pun tak nak berubah, nak kekal bangang sampai bila2, mengapa mesti provok orang lain yang nak berubah? Mengapa mesti dengki??

Is this is what called as friends? There goes the saying, when we were left without friends, its time when we realize how valuable them are. And to me, it’s just a fool saying. Being alone, ’stranded’ without friends made me realize of something. Something i should realize long before this. " I can live without friends. I don’t have to have friends to live."

I can do it all alone. Basuh pinggan. Cuci periuk. I can do it alone. Jalan pi surau. Lari 2km tepi pantai. I can do it all by myself. Aku tak nyusahkan sape2. Kaki aku bengkak sape peduli! Telinga aku berdarah sape kisah!

Nikto!! Nobody!!

In fact, i feel much better by being alone. Bersama dengan rakan2 gelakkan jurulatih. Sembang kosong. Usha pompuan. Mencarut2. Wat lawak bodoh. Ape bende ni semua? Aku berkawan dgn org macam ni? Biar betul! I was thinking, am i doing wrong in selecting friends? But they all i got! Takde org lain! Semua kawan2 aku cmtu. So nak wat camne??

Until now, i realized that i could really live without love friends. Much better by being alone. Yes, more freedom. My mind is not bounded by a set of mindset which its parameter is determined as the total mean mindset of my surrounding friends, by adding quadruple negative value with respect to only one, single positive value called ‘FRIENDSHIT‘ ‘FRIENDSHIP’. Faham ke? Mathematical arguments. With direct translation, by being alone, pemikiran dan hala tuju aku tidak lagi dipengaruhi oleh ketetapan dan keputusan rakan2 aku, yang mana pemikiran mereka secara puratanya berteraskan 4 kali ganda lebih banyak nilai negatif berbanding kemurniaan niat satu nilai positif bergelar "PERSAHABATAN". Understand it? Philosofical arguments.

Simple example in realistic life. By being alone, i can go anywhere i want. Depends on my heart. To the movie, katok, sunway pyramid, low yatt, anywhere!! Tanpa membuang masa. Tanpa arguments. Segalanya berteraskan hati dan intuisi aku. Nak makan di mana. Nak solat. Nak balik naik bas ke teksi. Total social freedom.

The case is quite same when kak zal, my facilitator tanya, who is your role model, instead of Rasulullah s.a.w and ur parents? I was thinking quite hard. Hard enough until finally i came with the answer : myself. Yeah, myself. I am the role model of myself. Why? I am not potraying other person. I am imitating nobody. I am myself. I can determine the positive value which i need. Which i want. I dont have to follow a distinguished, discrete value of great person such as Dr Mahathir, Nicole David nor Luis Figo! I am myself. I can be myself!

"Tapi kita tetap perlukan seseorang untuk menjadi panduan kita ke arah menjadi diri kita. Memang la nak jadi diri sendiri, semua orang kat sini nak jadi diri sendiri, bukannya nak imitate sape2, tapi kita tetap perlukan seorang role model untuk jadi guide kita" - one of the discussion in my LDK, trying to pangkah my decision.

Do i really need somebody to be my guide? Somebody to tell me who am i going to be? Do i? Well, even if i do need guidance, ’somebody’ would not be my choice. it would be ’something’. it would be the noble Quran as well as the As-Sunnah. They are my guide. They will show me the way to be who i want to be, my role model. Myself. I dont need a human as my role model. Why? Because human is imperfect. Except Rasulullah s.a.w. I could never be like him, but trying to imitate him is the best way to get close to him. Insya Allah.

Jika kamu ingin mengenali seseorang, lihatlah pada sahabat2nya.

i’ve strayed too much. Sorry. Back to my story. About the BTN camp.

Senang citer, i could not deny that i hate BTN at first. But now, i am very thankful to it. To them. My trainers. Credit to the Chief Trainer, a.k.a the commando, Pak Mad. Could never forget your humour, the ‘takzirah’, the ‘nombol’ the ‘reput’ and so on.

And for Pak Nordin, the strict one, could never forget ur advise. U must be a good father. Thank you.

For Pak Ajis, though quite nasty, irritating yet hillarious, i could never forget the kawad training. the lari-lari. Huhaha. Lari-lari. Kita lari. Goyang badan. Goyang pinggang. Baju merah. Baru datang. Turun seploh.

Not forgettable Pak Ya, from Kedah. Thanx for the advice. Thanx a lot.

Big credit, Big applause, lots of thanks to them. Though lots of my so-called-friends hate all of you, but i really appreciate what u have done. For me, i coul never forget Kem Bina Negara Tanjung Rhu, the point of change in my life. Thank you, Allah sahaja yang dapat balas jasa baik kalian.